Scaredy cat

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I?ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don?t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it?s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that?s weakness in your eyes
I?m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don?t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don?t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

Those are not my words, but Kelly Clarkson’s. And I can’t sing this song without breaking up right around the second verse. I remember the first time I heard this song I thought, “Whoa. Did she like..tap into my head and read my mind or something?” because the words just echoed so well with what I went through as a kid.

One thing I have a particularly hard time with is friendship. I don’t do well with making friends, mostly because I’m afraid of letting someone else in. The minute I start to feel comfortable with someone as a friend, I start to spazz out and generally have the biggest of freakouts (usually just in my head but sometimes I word vomit all over my friend as well). And almost always following the freakout, I turn tail and run like I’ve got demons on my ass. I’m afraid of being hurt but more afraid of hurting someone else so I run before I get the chance to hurt them. Even when they say “You didn’t hurt me.” I don’t exactly BELIEVE them because in my head, I can’t stop thinking about every thing I’ve ever said to them and how much damage I’ve potentially done even if they continue to reassure me I’ve NEVER done anything to hurt them.

Which is the place I’m in right now with a friend. I’m running scared, terrified to even say another word to him, because I’m so afraid of how much I’ve hurt him even though he SAYS I’ve done absolutely nothing to him. He’s in a tricky place right now, mentally and emotionally, and just the mere suggestion that I’ve caused him any more anguish than what he’s currently going through makes it hard to sleep and I toss and turn all night.

I don’t know why I do this. Maybe because I still remember, with a lot of hurt, how when I tried to make friends as a kid more often than not they’d turn around a week or so later and say “I hate you. I don’t want to be your friend anymore! You suck!” and I’d be left going “Uh..what?”, utterly confused and hurt by their sudden turn around.

I know my upbringing factors a lot into this as well since I was practically turned into a mini-adult at the age of 6 when my mom handed me by infant brother and said “Here. I’m tired of this crap. You take it.” and then (assisted by my stepfather who was TOTALLY behind this) told to take care of not just my brother and my sister (who was 3 at the time) but the whole house, all the laundry, etc. The only thing I didn’t do was the cooking but even that I had to do once I was tall enough to reach all the knobs on the stove.

Being forced to be a mini-adult made it hard to make friends because I just couldn’t relate to the other girls my age. While they were worrying about their hairstyle or clothes or cute boys, I had a lot of more grown up things on my mind. It also didn’t help that while they were drooling over stars like Leonardo DiCaprio and the oldest Hanson brother , I was drooling over a middle aged British guy with a crisp accent that made my knees go all wobbly and no hair in a captain’s uniform.

I hate that I can’t make friends easily and that I spazz out and run from the ones I do manage to make which probably leaves them feeling just as freaked out and confused as I was when I was a kid and somebody suddenly turned on me. But I don’t know how to NOT do that. It’s what I’ve always done and it makes me sad that I don’t know how to..not spazz.

There should be a class offered to adults, teaching them how to make friends without becoming all sprazzy and freaked out by the prospect of friendship-level intimacy. I would take that class in a heartbeat.


2 thoughts on “Scaredy cat

  1. I’ve never made friends in the real world easily, so can relate to a lot of this. It’s become easier over the years, but I still hate walking into gatherings where I don’t know people. Great post.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s