So I’m making dinner and the phone rings. Because I’m up to my eyeballs in hamburger patties and tater tots I don’t bother to glance at the caller I.D. so I just pick up the phone.
Me: Hello? (silence) Hello? (more silence) HELLOOOO?
Her: Oh um..hi. My name is Brandy and I’m with (some company I’ve forgotten the name of) and we’d like to offer you an extended warranty on your car.
Me: Which one?
Her: Um..well, our records show you have several. Which car would you like to have an extended warranty on?
Me: I’m sorry..give me just a second. STUPID CAT GET OFF THE FRIGGIN COUNTER NOW BEFORE I BARBECUE YOUR FURRY BUTT!
Her: I’m sorry?
Me: I MEAN YOU YOU BIG FURRY IDIOT! OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO STEAL A BITE OF HAMBURGER! YOU CAN’T BE HUNGRY I JUST FED YOU STUPID NOW GET DOWN BEFORE I SEND YOU ON A ONE WAY TICKET TO HADES!
Her: Ma’am..maybe I should just call back later?
Me: I’m sorry. Give me just one more minute. What the hell, Bella? Give me that back right now! (Bella had come running in the kitchen dragging a piece of yellow fabric that turned out to be the Deal With It emoji-faced beanie that we bought as a stocking stuffer for my son) You stupid cat! Where the heck did you get that? TONY! Get off the counter! I swear to god I’m going to barbecue your furry behind one of these days for climbing on that damn counter.
Her: Ma’am..I’ll call back later. Really. It’s no big deal.
Me: Give me just one more second.
I laid the phone down and walked away to go put laundry in the dryer. I seriously didn’t expect her to be on the line when I came back. But she was.
Me: Hey..I’m sorry. So which car are you offering an extended warranty on?
Her: Our records show you have several cars. Which one would you like the extended warranty on?
Me: Well..how about the Sebring?
Me: Oh wait..no you’d have to contact the dealership about that. We sold it awhile back to pay for our crack habit. And that trip to Vegas where we slept with about 100 strippers.
Me: Well..I do have that Nissan.
Her: Ah…sure. Let me get your information then, ma’am.
Me: My name is Farina Annina Karina Ekaterinovich.
Her: Farina Annina Karina Ekaterinovich. Got it.
Me: My address is 666 Satan Street and I live in Hell village on Grand Cayman Island. (It’s a real place, btw)
Her: Um…ma’am..is this for real?
Me: What do YOU think, Brandi?
That’s when she hung up. And why you never call me at dinner time. Or any other time if you’re trying to scam me. Because I will troll you as long as you keep believing it or until I’m bored.