Tales from the Book Fair, day 1

It’s spring book fair time at BFF Librarian’s school this week (and part of next week due to  the school schedule). I love book fair week. 😀


Dear Parents,

Please for the love of Mike, STAAAAAAAAAHP with the youniquke names. I helped make out wishlists for at least a dozen kindergartners who can’t spell their own goddamned name because of it being spelled in a “cool” or “unique” way. And even when they COULD spell their own names, the way they were spelled was absolutely baffling as to why anybody would spell a name that way.


The volunteer who couldn’t even begin to guess that Vanessa was spelled V-e-n-e-i-g-h-s-s-u-a

Dear 5th grade boys, It’s called DEODORANT. USE IT.

signed, The volunteer who nearly passed out from your collective stink

Dear grades 2-5, I kind of expect the lower grades to leave the place a bit of a mess because they don’t necessarily know better. You guys SHOULD know better. Please stop trashing the library.


The “mean” volunteer

Dear grades 2-5 (again),

I really did mean it when I said to make sure you either ask me or one other ladies to help you figure out the amount of tax on the books on your wishlist so you BRING ENOUGH MONEY when you come on your buy day. I am not going to be responsible if you don’t have enough for tax because you either forgot to add it or forgot to remind your parents that yes, you must pay tax on book fair books. I kind of expect the lower grades to forget, but not you guys. You guys have done this enough to know better.


The Volunteer who is not made of money and can’t lend you any

Dear kids period, No you can’t “borrow” a poker stick because then we’d never get it back.


The volunteer who wishes that Scholastic would stop sending these damn things

When I say poker stick, that’s what I call them. Officially they are called “pointers”. They are long plastic sticks with a pointing hand (or in one box this year, a donut) on the end. IDK what the heck they’re supposed to use these for, other than poking their classmates and siblings.

Dear kids,

No the “chocolate calculators” are not made of chocolate. Don’t eat them. They only smell vaguely of chocolate and don’t even taste that good or work too well.

The volunteer who’s answered this question fifteen thousand times

Dear Scholastic,

For the love of mike, stop sending us books encased in a shrink wrap that have a thing (locket, etc) inside. You are just  encouraging kids to steal the cheap trinket. Because every year since I started doing this, we’ve had at least a half dozen cheap lockets, plastic shark teeth,  plastic vampire/hillbilly teeth,plastic rings with “real simulated stones” and other stupid trinkety junk stolen. The book they leave alone but the trinkets are hot items, apparently.


The volunteer who hates these stupid things

Dear fellow volunteers, I seriously hope the Muffins For Mom thing went well this morning. I could’ve been there with you to help…but I didn’t want to be. Because I did my time already in that particular madhouse thanks.


The volunteer who didn’t want to get up at 5:30 this morning to drive down there just so I wouldn’t be able to find a parking space anywhere NEAR the school just to spend the next two and a half hours being stuck in a small library jammed with parents and kids with frustrated moms sighing and rolling their eyes because we only have two registers and the line is fifty people long and OMG I HAVE TO GET TO WORK FORGET IT YOU”RE NOT GETTING THIS BECAUSE THE LINE IS TOO LONG STOP CRYING OR I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT MISTER! (This seriously happens every year. The moms usually end up sending money with their kid but they always look like “How did I get roped into this?”)


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