We arrived home this afternoon from a so-so vacation. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t super great either.
All week long, somehow (despite being surrounded by people and not being able to use my Nottaphone because I forgot my charger and the damn battery died) I managed to keep my anxiety in check. But the minute I walked through the door of my house this evening, I could feel my anxiety shooting into overdrive. I could feel my heart straining to race, even though I was taking deep breaths to try and keep it from doing so. My arms and legs tingled like I was having that pins and needles feeling. I felt like there was a strange weight in my chest that nothing (at least to this point in my evening) can make disappear. I tried watching a movie (the Pete’s Dragon live action reboot and lemme tell ya..it was cute but disappointing. Where the fuck was even a cursory nod to Candle On The Water, Disney?) Even after Bella and Tony forgave me for leaving them alone for an entire week and Bella settled on my chest with her purr at full volume, I couldn’t shake those feelings of dread and wanting to freak all the way out, running in circles while screaming gibberish at the top of my lungs.
It also doesn’t help that one day, my glasses got borked and now they’re exceptionally lose on my face. I’ve totally forgotten what day it is (though my computer says it’s Saturday) so I don’t know if my eye doctor’s will be open tomorrow for me to go get them fixed (if tomorrow truly is Sunday, then no they won’t be). I’ll have to wait until sometime next week to get them fixed and in the mean time try not to get super frustrated because they keep sliding off my friggin’ face.
There’s a stone in my chest that feels like it’s on fire and my brain keeps insisting that I need to be scared to death though I’m not entirely sure why. There’s nothing for me to be scared OF…at least right now. I don’t know why I’m so scared..but that’s how anxiety works. Your brain tells you “Freak out! Be incredibly afraid of..NOTHING! That’s right. BE AFRAID OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR NO REASON WHAT SO FREAKING EVER!!”
Sometimes I hate my brain. It can totally be an asshole.