You can’t fix stupid–Cruise Ship Hammock Edition

First, watch this video. I’ll wait.






Done? Good.

As a cruise veteran with ten cruises under my belt, let me explain why this is a bad idea.

Let’s start off with the obvious, shall we? In order to hang a hammock from your balcony you have to first HAVE a hammock. Which means you either brought it with you and took up space in your luggage for no damn good reason. OR you, like a thousand other yutzes before you, bought it in port and have to drag it home ANYWAY. Because if you really felt like you NEEDED a hammock when you got home, you should have done what everybody else does and bought it on Amazon. Secondly…you have to have rope to tie the thing up with…more wasted space in your luggage, even if you got fifteen feet of rope for a good price at the local hardware store fire sale or whatever.’re not allowed to bring knives or scissors on board, so how on earth did he cut the rope in pieces to tie up the hammock? With his mind powers? Fourth…where is the furniture that’s supposed to be on the balcony? Almost every balcony shot I’ve ever seen, across pretty much every cruise line, has had furniture. Usually a couple of chairs, maybe a lounger and a small table. So where did the furniture go? Is he hiding it in his cabin somewhere?  Fifth, it’s just plain not a good idea. You could fall out of the hammock and at least if it’s on dry land, you’re only going to fall maybe 2 feet and hit the ground. That might hurt, but at least you’re probably not going to injure much more than your pride. Not so much with the plain hammock, but the colorful hammock is a little too close to the barrier that keeps idiots from falling overboard for my personal taste. At best, you’re going to fall out and hit your head on the plastiglass (that’s what I call it. I don’t believe it’s real glass although it LOOKS like real glass) and have quite the bump on the noggin and that’s never fun. At worst, well..bon voyage and say hi to all the fishes from several stories up, kid. Sixth, on most (probably all, to be honest) cruise ships they tell you not to leave crap on your balcony that wasn’t there to begin with (like the furniture) because the wind can really kick up when you’re at sea and that’s how shit gets blown away. Seriously. I remember reading a thread on Cruise Critic where a guy was on a sailing that had a man overboard called that turned out not to be a man overboard at all. It was an inflatable monkey wearing human clothes that somebody had thought would be cute sitting on their balcony. Oops.

And you know of course if somebody fell overboard, their relatives (or whoever) would be suing the cruise line for letting it happen. Because if you’re on a cruise ship, OF COURSE you’re not responsible for the stupid things you do.  Of COURSE you’re not. Because nobody is ever responsible (even on dry land) for doing idiotic things.


Just out of curiosity to see what the official stance on balcony hammocks is, I’ve emailed Carnival, Royal Caribbean and Norwegian. I’ll update when I get an answer. But I bet it’s going to be along the lines of “Uh, no. Are you stupid or something?”


2 thoughts on “You can’t fix stupid–Cruise Ship Hammock Edition

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