To food that is.
Because food is my drug. I had a reasonably decent dinner of pasta salad earlier and I shouldn’t be hungry. But my husband just called and said he was going to Applebee’s on the way home from his meeting and asked if I wanted something. I said I’d shoot him an email because I wasn’t sure and all of a sudden, the moment I start looking at their menu my mouth starts watering and my stomach growls like I haven’t eaten in days. I tell him to get me either a whiskey bacon burger (which has become my favorite over the last month or so) or some honey bbq boneless chicken wings.
I recently joined Yes.Fit which does virtual races. Most of them are for a fee and at the end, when you’ve logged enough miles to get to the finish line, they send you a cute teeshirt and a shiny medal themed to your particular race. I can’t afford to pay for races right now and they do have a handful that are free. I’m currenly 71% finished with the Zeus On Mount Olympus race and I’ve got a Viking themed one (since the second half of season 4 of Vikings is now on Hulu) lined up and ready to go when I’m finished.
And as much as I keep reminding myself that eating the way I do has gotten me to this point where I’m 60 pounds overweight, it doesn’t do me any good.Food is both nourishment and comfort. When I’m bored or scared or lonely or depressed, I turn to food to make it all better. There have been times in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep where I ate totally crazy things like potato chips dipped in sour cream mixed with garlic powder.
I want to eat better…but I feel so much of the time that I am not in control. That there is a monster inside of me driving me to eat the way I do. It didn’t used to be this way..I used to be able to control the monster instead of the other way around. But after my lost pregnancy, the monster kind of took over and I have yet to wrest control back from her.
I could run, slowly and gimp-ily (can I say that? Or is gimp-ily too un-PC? I honestly cannot think of another word that fits better than gimpy/gimp-ily), to the moon and back but I can’t outrun my addiction. And this kind of addiction is just as bad as being addicted to illegal drugs or alcohol, because it’s hurting my body just as much.
Like every addict, I just wish I could stop but I can’t see a way out of this.