You’re either a helicopter parent or a monster. There is no in-between, apparently

So THIS got forwarded to me on Facebook today. My comments will be in bold.


Here is a list of things you need to teach your Child(ren) at early age:

1: Warn your Girl Child Never to sit on anyone’s laps no matter the situation including uncles. (Because of course, even as toddlers, girls have to be aware that just by the fact that they are a GIRL they can and will tempt people to sexually abuse them. Or something. And by telling your daughter to never ever EVER sit on anybody’s lap, even your own, you’re teaching her to avoid that temptation. Or something. Which is about one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard of. WTF?)

2: Avoid Getting Dressed in front of your child once he/she is 2 years old. Learn to excuse them or yourself.  (Because of course you can always bathe and get dressed without the kids coming in or constantly bothering you. OF COURSE YOU CAN. Said no parent pretty much ever. And if it’s not the kid, it’s the dog or your spouse or the phone or somebody knocking on the door.)

3. Never allow any adult refer to your child as ‘my wife’ or ‘my husband’. (I have literally NEVER heard anybody say this ever. Who says this?)

4. Whenever your child goes out to play with friends make sure you look for a way to find out what kind of play they do, because young people now sexually abuse themselves. (Uh..wait, what? Like seriously..what? This one kinda had me making that tilted head dog face. You know the one. Because seriously..unless there’s a red flag of ANY sort, violence, sexual abuse, whatever..I would stay the heck out of the way. Your kid doesn’t want or need you to constantly hovering over them to make sure they play the “right way”, whatever that happens to be.)

5. Never force your child to visit any adult he or she is not comfortable with and also be observant if your child becomes too fond of a particular adult. (OK so this is a mixed bag for me. My parents never made me be affectionate towards any relatives if I didn’t want to be, but they didn’t stop visiting certain relatives just because I or my siblings didn’t LIKE said relative for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t like them because they’re old and smell weird or something. There’s not necessarily a nefarious reason for your kid not liking a certain relative.)

6. Once a very lively child suddenly becomes withdrawn you may need to patiently ask lots of questions from your child. (This is probably the only thing on this list I agree with.)

7. Carefully educate your children about the right values of sex . If you don’t, the society will teach them the wrong values. (And who determines what the “right values” are? Hmm?)

8: It is always advisable you go through any new material like cartoons you just bought for them before they start seeing it themselves. (I’ve always done this, just to make sure I felt comfortable with my son seeing it. MOST of what I censored for, when he was younger anyway, was extreme violence and gore and sex. Swear words, as long as they weren’t overly excessive, were usually OK. We recently watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” together and afterwards, Sonthing commented on the amount of swearing which I honest to Bob had forgotten there was so much of in that movie.)

9. Ensure you activate parental controls on your cable networks and advice your friends especially those your child(ren) visit(s) often. (Again..nothing I’ve ever actually used, although I know some people do. I’ve never seen the need for it, but I understand if you choose to use this particular feature.)

10. Teach your 3 year olds how to wash their private parts properly and warn them never to allow anyone touch those areas and that
includes you (remember, charity begins from home and with you).( again..this just seems straight up silly. Doctors touch your private parts for medical reasons. And at 3, my son was still 3 1/2 YEARS away from being 100% potty trained. Sometimes I still had to scrub down his bits to get all the poop off. I get teaching your kids that your body belongs to you and nobody gets to touch you without your say so, but this seems like it’s going a little overboard. And mostly aimed at girls because we all know that we can’t HELP but be tempted by girls simply because they are girls. Crap on a cracker.)

11: Blacklist some materials/associates you think could threaten the sanity of your child (this includes music, movies and even friends and families). (Does Caillou count? Because Caillou was TOTALLY blacklisted in our house because he’s a whiny git. Aside from that, nothing (again see above where I talked about censoring TV) has ever been blacklisted from our house. ESPECIALLY music. Now I may not LIKE the music my son chooses but I’ve never told him he can’t listen to something just because I didn’t like it. And there would have to be a DAMN good reason for me to ban friends or family from our house. A very damn good reason.)

12. Let your child(ren) understand the value of standing out of the
crowd. (I think Jenny Lawson said it best in her book “Furiously Happy” when she talked about not being unique, because that’s already taken. Be as visibly fucked up as you want to be, she said. And I stand by that. Because she’s right. Nobody is really unique because everybody is. So yeah..stand out by being as visibly messed up as you want to be and be proud of it. 😀 )

13: Once your child complains about a particular person, don’t keep quiet about it.

Take up the case and show them you can defend them. ( I suppose it would have to depend on WHY they were complaining about a person. I’m not one to jump in and start momma bear-ing all over the place until I have all the facts.)

Remember, we are either parents or parents-to-be.

Have a Nice day and Great Week Ahead (Remember, if you don’t follow the right rules, wear the right clothes, teach your kids how to be have just the right way YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!! The pain of being raised by incompetent parents who don’t do exactly what parenting experts on the Internet and Jenny McCarthy say LASTS A LIFETIME. Oh..and have a nice day, you booby headed fool. Because of course you’re not doing it right and this was intended to make you feel guilty as hell. Have a nice day indeed.)

2 thoughts on “You’re either a helicopter parent or a monster. There is no in-between, apparently

    1. Thanks. I just hate how it’s ALWAYS on the girls/women to monitor themselves, to make sure they’re not saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong thing or acting in even the slightest way that might cause a man to be so completely overwhelmed that he simply cannot help himself. What kind of message is this teaching our girls? I mean, on one hand you have the media, fashion magazines, etc going “Be more sexy!” while also they’re being told “BUT NOT TOO SEXY! Because it’s all your fault if something happens to you since men clearly cannot control themselves.”

      Liked by 1 person

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