It’s been one of THOSE days.
And tonight, I’m struggling. I can feel the depression threatening to overwhelm me and cover me in a cloak of impenetrable darkness. I feel the urge to push all those feelings away with food coming up, telling me I need to go eat an entire bag of chips and drink an entire gallon of milk (despite the fact that I’m lactose intolerant. Depression, however, gives no fucks about this whatsoever.). I can hear the fireworks at the lake going off like bullets..BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!
I don’t know why I’m so depressed. Maybe it’s because summer vacation is half over now. Maybe it’s because on Monday I have a meeting with HR because I have to re-do my direct deposit (we had to change banks. It’s a long, stupid story I won’t get into.) and I’ve already told her I’m ready to discuss taking that 4 hr position (provided it’s still available which it probably is but I don’t know for sure) at A’s kitchen even though I don’t WANT to but I kind of HAVE to because of my unexpected medical and dental expenses this summer. I gotta pay those bills somehow. Maybe it’s just because I gained weight this week instead of losing it. I don’t know.
I just want to eat until I feel disgustingly full and about to puke but that would set me back more than I’d like. Food doesn’t judge me. Food is always there to say “Hey. Come eat me. I’ll make you feel so much better and forget all that stuff that’s making you feel like crap. For a little while, anyway.”
I was going through my Imgur account and came across a photo from about 4 years ago. I was thinner then…about 150 lbs. I looked tanned and my legs were amazing and I looked HAPPY.
Of course, that was also right before everything turned to absolute smash, before the miscarriage, before my trip to the ER to almost get admitted to the psych ward, before I fell into a depression so deep and so dark that I didn’t think I’d ever climb out again.
I want to be happy like that again. I don’t know if I really know what it takes to get there, however. I don’t remember how I got there in the first place. And I’m exhausted from carrying around this ten ton weight that’s labeled “depression and anxiety” for thirty years now. I want to put it down…but I can’t. It’s welded to my spine. Zoloft makes it a little lighter..but not much. Light enough that most days I can carry it. There are other days, however, when I feel like the weight of it on my back is enough to break me in half.
Today is one of those days.