Stupid brain doin’ it again

I woke up vaguely annoyed and frustrated this morning because I swear, when I sleep, my brain thinks up dreams just to annoy the heck out of me sometimes.

I had that dream (which I’ve had I don’t know how many times now) where I was living on a cruise ship, getting PAID to live there for a year and blog. Complete with drink package, airfare from DFW to Houston Hobby at the start, airfare to and from DFW International for Thanksgiving, Christmas and my son’s birthday and then airfare from Houston Hobby back to DFW at the end of the year. (Laundry, my brain insists, would be taken care of because I’m a platinum member and I get like 2 free bags of laundry per week or something. Or I could just wash stuff myself in one of the on-board launderettes, which they have like every other floor or so.)

Even if that’s something I really wanted to do (and face it, who WOULDN’T want to do that?), I wouldn’t know how to go about finding a publishing company to foot the bill while I cruise, eat amazing food, drink ALLLL the cocktails and write. I wouldn’t even know where to begin even if I said I would foot the bill as long as they would promise to publish my book at the end of it. The Southern girl who lives in my head clutches her pearls at the very idea of such a thing because it’s so selfish and who would take care of my husband, son and our two cats while I was gone? I mean, that’s my job, isn’t it? And then I just get pissed off and frustrated all over again because I mean, if this is something I really want to do, I should just find a way to go for it.

But I don’t know how. I’ve never been anything but a small-time blogger and not a very successful one at that. Taking big chances and leaping into the unknown like that isn’t something life has prepared me for. Like, at all. I was raised to do my duty, to be a good wife and to spend my life serving my husband, children and everyone else around me. And I’m good at it. Most of the time anyway.

I wish life had prepared me for more than this. But growing up dirt poor with not a whole lot of chances in life, well, you kinda learn to accept what you’re given even if it’s shitty. And I’ve done that my entire life. I’ve tried to be happy with what I’ve got and I should be grateful. I don’t have a lot of cause to complain…we always had food on the table (even if it was mostly canned vegetables and some kind of mystery meat). We always had clothes (even if they came from KMart and the thrift store) and shoes. And for the last 19 1/2 years, I’ve been married to a mostly decent man who doesn’t screw things up about 95% of the time. I try to be the best parent I can to our son who confuses the living daylights out of me and I don’t know if I’m failing or succeeding at that. I was prepared, every day of my life growing up, for exactly the life I’m living now and it would be selfish and horrible of me to just leave it all behind because I want more than that.

Right?

I wish I knew.

She married when she was twenty
She thought she was ready
Now she’s not so sure
She thought she’d done some living
But now she’s just wonderin’
What she’s living for
Now she’s feeling that there’s something more
Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there
She’s always lived for tomorrow
She’s never learned how
To live for today
She’s dyin’ to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change
Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there
There’s a place in the sun that she’s never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again
Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there
Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there
(lyrics by Reba McEntire)
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