Flopping around like a gigged frog

If that ain’t a Southern reference that nobody else in the world will probably get, I don’t know what is.

Also..don’t Google “gigged frog gif”…you will get anything BUT. Including a gif of a woman facing the mirror, with her overly large and barely covered bottom facing the camera, jiggling her butt cheeks with her hands. Thank you, Internet. Thank you so much.

The Dr. Pepper Detox

The last six weeks or so, I don’t know WHAT the hell has been wrong with me but I’ve been so exhausted I can barely move when I wake up most days. Going to the gym has been a chore instead of a joy and I wake up going, “Shit. I have to do this AGAIN today?”. Sometimes I just don’t go, like this entire last week where I just went back to sleep or watched true crime documentaries on Hulu until it was time for me to take a shower so I could go to work. I’ve been downing more coffee than I’m comfortable with and drinking a Big Gulp’s worth of Diet Dr. Pepper (sometimes more, if somebody brings in a 12 pack to work or some staff member actually remembers to stock the fridge in the teacher’s lounge and I borrow a couple cans) just to get through the day. School is out in four days (woohoo!) so I’m going to detox myself by going cold turkey. It’s going to suck, but I think it’ll help with my weight loss in the long run which has been more or less stalled for the last two months. Boo.

Flailing like a gigged frog at the gym

Even though I’ve been a gym member for almost six months, I still feel so awkward like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Like maybe I should be doing MORE, but because I have *no* freaking clue how to put together a gym routine, I’m barely doing anything. Sure, I’m cardio-ing like a beast most days with the built in hill climbing routine or mountain climbing routine on the treadmill, but other than that? I have no clue what I should be doing, how much of it I should be doing, at what weight I should be doing it. I’m more lost than the housepets in Homeward Bound and I don’t have the slightest clue how to get a clue. The internet (because I guess I’m bad at this?) is no help. I could *pay* a trainer to help me figure this shit out, but I prefer to DIY it because I’m afraid that they’ll look at me and either laugh or just tell me to give the heck up because there is no hope for me. And who needs that? I’m finally starting to get really comfortable using the gym and I don’t need that kind of setback right now.

There is one chick I’ve seen at the gym several times now that I’m tempted to just go up and say “Hey. How did you get to look like you look?” because she looks like I’d like to look like. She’s probably 10-15 years younger than me, but she’s my height and build, but buffer. Like, her ass is amazing and she’s got the most incredible legs. Sometimes I pick an exercise bike that’s on the front row just to try and covertly (but probably not as covertly as I think and she probably thinks I’m a creeper) watch her do her thing. But, because I’m horribly awkward socially, I’d probably get kicked out of the gym for being weird. And I don’t want that either. So I guess I’ll continue to just sort of watch her and take mental notes which I will forget the moment I get home. Because that’s how my brain works. I’m great at going ‘OOh I need to remember this!” and then almost immediately forgetting it because I don’t have ducks. They are not in a row. I have squirrels cracked out on E at a rave wearing fluorescent Hammer pants.

I think this summer that’s something else I’m going to try to work on…trying to get a clue so I can get a routine at the gym so I can have a better butt and nicer legs. Because that’s the only thing I care about. Nice abs are nice, but I’d rather have a nice butt and killer legs. I just don’t know how to go about achieving that.

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This is exactly how I feel at the gym.

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