Yoga Teacher (YT): Welcome to this morning’s yoga class. Please take a few moments to sit on your mat and center yourself before we get started.
Shit. Ow. Please don’t be derpy today, right hip. That goes for you too, wrists. I need you to not be derpy and support me today. I realize you may not want to, but I am asking you to please do this for me.
YT: Now I want you to stand up and bend over, just let your body hang in a nice Forward Fold.
Ow. I can’t even reach all the way to the floor. Even the fat chick can reach all the way to the floor. WHY CAN’T I? Ugh. Stupid old non stretchy body. Just..WORK with me here, huh?
YT: Now we’re going to slowly stand up and bend your right leg. Pull your foot all the way up so it rests against your inner left knee, or better yet, higher if you can manage it. Arms above your head, elbows bent, palms flat together in Tree pose.
Shiiiiiiiiit. I hope nobody saw me fall over. I hope the TEACHER didn’t see me fall over. Because that was embarrasing.
YT: I want you to kick one leg out to the side, place the hand on that same side by your inner knee and put the other one behind you, by you butt. Now I want you to LIFT those butts off the ground. LIFT! And HOLD! C’mon..you can do this! Ten seconds people! Don’t forget to breathe.
Oh hell to the no. This is NOT happening..but I need to try. I am the ONLY person in this class who’s ass is still on the mat. Ow ow ow ow. Wait..WHAT if this is how I made my shoulder muscle spasm? HOLY SHIT. I did this to myself! JFC. Yup. Butt’s going back down on the mat. Screw that..I don’t need another shoulder muscle injury.
Does anybody else hate downward dog as much as I do. Because I hate this. BUT if I blur my vision, my silver necklace thingie somehow almost manages to DISAPPEAR against my black yoga mat. What kind of black magic sorcery fuckery is that? Brains are weird, yo.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Why does my hip hurt? Y U DO DIS TO ME, HIP? WHY?
YT: Let’s hold Pigeon Pose for um..ten more seconds.
Shit. I think she just said 5 twice. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
ANOTHER ETERNITY LATER
YT: Now it’s time for shavasana.
Don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep. DON’T FALL ASLEEP. Zzzzz…….