Dear Yoga People

It’s not that I don’t want to go to these super awesome retreats and stuff, but

A)I can’t afford to drop that kind of cash to fly out for a week to wherever the hell they’re holding these fancy ass retreats in the first place.

B)I would be judged for only having one pair of yoga pants.

C)I would probably be judged for not having the right accessories for yoga-ing, like the wrong size/thickness/color mat. My mat isn’t the thickest and it’s a little beat up because my cats think it’s fun to try and “help” me with pigeon pose and downward dog. But I love the badass old school sailor tattoo-style tiger design, so I’m keeping it.

D)Despite the fact I’ve practiced on and off for almost 6 years, I don’t have anything remotely like the perfect yoga body and I still can’t do a shoulder stand without falling over. And I hate sitting eagle pose.

E)Having to spend that many hours with strangers, even if I’m doing something I love, would stress me the fuck out to the point I’d need to go on a solitary retreat to recover from the yoga retreat.

F)I’m also kinda scared to go to something like this. I made the mistake of watching that documentary about the dude who founded Hot Yoga and it scared the shit out of me.

G)I have fugly feet. You would judge me for my the Fred Flinstonian weirdness of my feet and I just don’t need that…well..ever.

H)Due to a combination of being old and having an autoimmune disorder that screws with my joints, I can’t even touch the floor in Forward Fold. 😦 Because bending that far over HURTS.

I)Did I say that really, it’s a nice idea, these retreats but they sound like a week of hellish torture? Because they kind of do.

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