I have 10 minutes to decide

I have 10 minutes to decide whether or not I’m calling in sick today. I’m not sick but there was..an incident..at work yesterday. I don’t want to get into it, let’s just say it was bad and there was yelling involved and I nearly had a panic attack and very nearly walked out and just said “Screw it all. I don’t give a crap.” And that it was at least partially (maybe even mostly) my fault.

Hubs says that I have to stay with this job at least until the end of the school year (which is about 3 1/2 mos away at this point) and he has a ‘line on something that might work’ but he won’t discuss what this mystery job is until he finds out more. He also says that the reason the incident happened was because of my  new meds (for my RA), but I can’t blame everything on that. I mean, I can’t blame the fact t hat I was probably the asshole in this situation on medication.

And the medication IS helping..somewhat. It’s better than nothing, for sure.

I feel so..trapped. Like, I told Hubs last night that if I could find a job where I worked from home (none of which I am qualified for, at least from a brief, middle of the night search because I couldn’t sleep), it would be ideal. The older I get, the worse it is for me to be around people. Like, it’s so draining, physically and emotionally, for me to be around people and he SAYS he gets it but I don’t think (because he’s not wired that way) he really does. It stresses me out that I don’t have the energy w hen I get home to tidy up the house, to do the dishes or fold the laundry. That on the days I don’t go to the gym (which is barely any right now) I spend the hours between Son leaving for school and getting ready for work laying on the couch TRYING to just find enough energy to get through my shift at work.

There are seven minutes left now. I still can’t make myself decide to click that button that says “Create absence”.

Six minutes now.

And even worse, today is grape day, so I have a case of grapes that I STILL need to wash/destem and then I have to scoop 84,000 stupid grapes. If I left that to Bosslady, she’d be even more angry with me. And I hate when people are angry with me.

Five minutes.

I want to just click the button but I just..I don’t know. I just don’t know if taking a day off would make things better or worse. She yelled at me for stuff that was at least partially my fault (and I admit that) and then decided to escalate it which nearly caused me to have a panic attack. I had to fight back tears of frustration and anger and I very nearly just walked out of there and left a “I quit. Screw you.” note on her computer. I didn’t, but it was very tense the entire day.

Four minutes.

I’m not qualified for anything, except food service and retail. And I can’t go back to those, I just CAN’T. I suggested to Hubs last night, when we had a Come To Jesus, that I should start an Etsy store and he was really against it. He didn’t think it would work.

Three minutes.

According to him it would be a ‘customer service effing nightmare”. I don’t know if it would be or wouldn’t be.

Two minutes.

All I know is that all the jobs I looked up on LinkedIn and other places like it that are work form home positions I am not even close to qualified for OR are customer service positions that I do not want to do because it would be just as bad as being around people all day.

One minute.

I am broken and I need to work, because we can’t survive without my paycheck.

Thirty seconds.

I should click the button or leave it alone. I can’t decide. I can’t decide. I can’t….time just decided for me. I have to go to work today and it’s going to suck and I feel like I just don’t have the strength, mental or emotional, to deal with it today. But I don’t get a choice.

I should have clicked the damn button.

 

::edited to update::

I started crying. Hard. I got in the shower, because I’m supposed to be at work in 45 min or so. And I cried, as hard as I’ve ever cried, for like 15 straight minutes. I don’t know how, but I found myself on the floor of the tub, stretched out (as best I could, considering how tiny the tub is) in Child’s Pose. Water streamed off my shoulders and neck and right into my nose, making me feel almost as if I were drowning. But I couldn’t get up..I just could not make myself get up. I was on my knees for a millennium…even though only about 15 minutes had gone by.

childs-pose
Photo courtesy of the My Two Zents blog.

I was still crying, so hard my entire body was shaking. But it was all I could think of to do. Eventually, I was able to get out of the shower, but I was still sobbing hysterically. I made it only a couple of steps into the bedroom before I just laid down on the floor, once again taking Child’s Pose. Slowly, after what seemed like forever, I was able to stop crying. My hips, knees and shoulders were beginning to protest being in this pose, but I held it, breathing. I felt as if I were so exhausted I could fall asleep, so I grabbed a pillow which had been kicked off the bed and rolled over onto my side, right there on the floor. And I almost fell asleep.

But I made myself get up after a few minutes, get dressed and go make a second cup of coffee. I took a Xanax, too, and I’m pretty sure I’m NOT supposed to drive after I’ve taken it, but I don’t have a choice. I have to go to work and be able to be calm today, because a shit storm is coming. I fully expect to be dragged into my manager’s office followed by the assistant manager (who has to be there to defend manager in case I verbally attack her or be a witness or something even though I know she can’t be impartial and would always take my manager’s side in everything) and possibly the field trainer (because it’s kind of her job to poke her nose into everything and be a pain in the ass whenever she can). Which, with four people in that tiny, box-shaped office, it’s going to be crowded. And I will get my ass handed to me, no doubt. Hopefully, because of the Xanax I’ll be able to be as chill as an Artic ice cube. I don’t know. I took it about 20 minutes ago and I don’t know if it’s even kicked in yet. I don’t feel any difference, but it’s such a low dose I may not feel any different anyway.

I should call work and tell them, because of my panic attack and my having to take a dose of Xanax that I can’t come into work because I’m not supposed to drive after taking it. But I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to them and lord knows, I have to be FAIR to a person that I kind of can’t stand right now. You have to GO ALONG to GET ALONG, right?

Right.

10 thoughts on “I have 10 minutes to decide

      1. Thank you. I ended up having a massive panic attack in the shower and I had to take a Xanax. I don’t think I’m supposed to drive while it’s in my system but I kind of don’t have a choice as I HAVE to go to work.

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      2. I don’t know if it will help, but when I am faced with days like you are having…I try to reduce time. I may not be able to do (or face doing) something for an entire day, week, month, life but I can usually do it for 30 seconds. So I just commit to 30 seconds. When that 30 seconds is over I reset and say “ok, another 30 seconds won’t kill me” and do another. Once I feel stronger, I stretch it to 60 seconds and so on until I have done the task/felt the feeling/didn’t do something. I have, at this point, stacked up 25 years of 30 second intervals for many things. It is the only way I could function. I am completely incapable of doing/not doing something for a lifetime, but I can do 30 seconds of anything. **more hugs*

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks. I don’t know how I’ll be able to function at work today but I kind of don’t have a choice so. And this situation is at least partially my fault and partially Mgr’s for being a micromanaging personality who can’t just let me DO MY DAMN JOB without constantly telling me how I’m OMG DOING WRONG.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I had 12 years with a boss of that nature. That was one of the “30 seconds at a time cause I can’t face three minutes much less an entire work day” situations. I hear you, I see you, just breath and do 30 seconds. **Even more hugs**

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I made it through the day, fortunately. Then I had to have a sit down “counseling session” with Mgr and the field trainer. Basically, they blamed it all on me (which I will admit I was somewhat responsible but not responsible for ALL of it) and were like, “Just don’t be sad.” which is pretty unfucking helpful. I have a feeling at the end of the school year they’re going to let me go because I’m too much of a problem for them to handle. I’m too damn broken.

      Liked by 1 person

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